I’ve made one of those classic mistakes of motherhood. DramaQueen had drama classes. What about Firecracker, I thought? We can’t afford classes for her, but what else is there? Girl Scouts, I thought. And since the Daisies and Brownies met at the same time in the same place, I thought they might as well both join. They can have fun earning badges and doing community service. I am such an awesome mom! I’m going to “get involved.”
Oh. My. God.
I am never ever ever doing this again.
Firecracker won’t even stay with her troop. She gave up long ago trying to follow what was going on. They might as well be speaking ancient Mesopotamian. The clamor of a herd of Daisies is not the best environment for those with learning disabilities. “They look at me,” she wails. “I’m shy!” So she hides behind the counter on the Brownie side of the room.
DramaQueen is having a bit more fun, in a lackadaisical fashion. She’s a sociable girl once she settles in, so no hiding behind cabinets for her. She went out on a service project and rather enjoyed it. We went to World Thinking Day and she enjoyed collecting SWAPS, which seemed to me to the only point of going. There didn’t seem to be a lot of thinking going on, and most of the posters and displays about foreign countries seem to have been created by, guess who, the moms.
That was a mind-numbing experience, btw. Firecracker refused to walk around the booths, so the event was painfully boring for both of us. There was nowhere to sit down. Thankfully there were some snack machines, and since it took hours for DramaQueen to make her rounds, I was happy to feed Firecracker whatever crap she wanted. We made our escape when I saw the People In Charge do the three finger GS salute that means Shut Up, indicating that some GS ritual was about to take place. When someone called for the girls to form a circle I knew it was time to skedaddle.
Over Christmas the troop leader cajoled me into being the cookie mom. I thought, hey, I really should do something for the troop. I said this despite the fact that I hate—let me emphasize HATE—any sort of sales. But stretch yourself a bit, I thought. Hah. I didn’t even take DramaQueen door to door. I hate it when people show up at my door selling stuff, even stuff I like, and no one likes GS cookies more than I do. Unless we want to develop a generation of car salespeople, I don’t see how this is supposed to foster “leadership” skills. Oh, I am soooo not a leader. Do I think it essential that my girls grow up to be leaders? Let me rephrase that. Do I think it essential that my girls learn how to sell cookies?
You know what, since GS is so gung-ho about parental involvement, I should have just admitted to myself from the start that I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want to be one of these moms who works full time, is room mom, volunteers for the PTA, and handles set design at the local community theater. I want to take my kids to classes and let them do whatever they need to do to acquire the skills that interest them. That, to me, is a valuable lesson to learn—taking charge of your own talents and interests through personal diligence and practice. I want to come home with some expectation of relative calm, not frenetic activity because I’ve sold my soul in exchange for a Franklin Covey planner. The stuff I want to learn about does not include camping, tallying up cookie sales, teaching girls how to sell cookies, making posters about countries that no one will ever look at, making SWAPS (for heavens sake), learning the GS pledge, shuttling girls to events, haranguing shoppers at the local grocery store to buy cookies, and selling calendars (because it’s not just about cookies anymore).
So far most of the GS year seems to have been about selling something.
BORING!
So far, my girls seem to agree with my assessment. Firecracker has told me she wants to learn soccer. So I’m going to look into a nice recreational soccer program (cause I hate competition about as much as I hate leading) and let her try it out. DramaQueen can keep doing her drama thing. I’m going to follow my therapist’s advice: one extracurricular activity per child. Period.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
We All Lived
Children did actually show up at Firecracker's birthday party. One didn't bring a gift and one brought his older brother, but who am I to complain? The room was full and my child was happy, and, best of all, two very competent women ran the whole thing. They played games and marched them outside and did more games and made periscopes and took photos and read them a story, and yet when it was all over they still looked tidy and in control, much to my amazement. I was exhausted and I didn't do anything more than cut the cake, pass out the snacks and hand over the presents. One little boy threw up. It's not really a party until one child throws up. That's how you know the party's winding down. And Firecracker did not receive any girlie presents, no Barbies that have to be passed along to DramaQueen. Her fave was a NASCAR race car that vrooms away when you press a button. Good stuff. Not that she's completely opposed to gentler activities. She used a gift card to buy a doll carrier to hold her little pink puppy, the one with sunglasses and a heart pillow that says Hot Stuff. I've had to buckle it into the car seat each morning on the way to the daycare and promise that I will take it into work. Shhh. Of course I take it into work.
I can breathe again. For a while.
I can breathe again. For a while.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd.
I wonder if I’m doing okay? Sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes I’m not sure I’m that in touch with myself. Maybe I could send myself an email. My thoughts have been soggy. When we passed the anniversary marker for Firecracker’s surgery, and when I remember it, my stomach clenches its fist and looks balefully at me. What were you thinking? To put your child through that? And for what? Nothing!
I feel death wafting around me. Perhaps I will die this year. I don’t want to die. I’m really opposed to it. My nephew, my friend. My friend. Is it easier to meet death deliberately instead of waiting for it to snare you? Why did she feel that dying was better than living? I miss her. And what about me? I think of estrogen. Perhaps I should have gone on tomoxifin. Maybe estrogen is the enemy. I’m overweight, so I’m even producing more of it. I’m practically swimming in it. Perhaps it’s wreaking havoc even as I sit here so indecisive. Perhaps I’ll die from indecisiveness. And then there’s Dear Husband. Whenever he has a flair up I wish I could peek into his bladder and make sure all the cells are behaving, no proliferation. Everyone’s health panics me. What is going on that I cannot see? Death and his demons, where are the creeping?
It’s amazing what plastic surgeons can do with reconstruction, it really is. But my new breast will always be a…a… construction. It is better than cancer, but it is still this alien sculpture perching on my chest. How I wish they could have done the TRAM. I’m still sad about that. I’ve never intended to have another child, but the knowledge that I could never nurse one if I did makes me cry. Isn’t that weird?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not doing what I was intended to do. The problem is that I have no idea what I was intended to do. You know, that idea that God has a plan with a place for everything and everything in its place. Do I even believe that? What do I believe? How can I believe? When I think of death, it seems the most preposterous suggestion that we would go somewhere after. It pretty much looks like a blank wall: bye bye. But there are these stories, this scripture that says otherwise. I find it hard to swallow.
I find it hard to chew on most things Christian these days. The claims, the glib prayers, the churchy stuff, the inspirational books, the enthusiasm, the dull dull tumbling of words. The bright shininess and maudlin spectacle of it all. The music. Oh god the awful sameness and bouncy bouncy of it. Sometimes it seems that if I jumped in the river it would come up to my ankles, so shallow the water is full of silt.
And then there are these longings that I don’t believe in: to home school my children, or at least to be a SAHM there when school is over, when the bus drops them off. The mom who can visit the class with the cupcakes and a story to read, who may actually someday meet the other mothers whose children my daughters spend more time with than with me. It seems so out of balance, but who am I kidding? My salary is essential and always will be, even after we pay off the cars and the student loan. Besides, I can’t organize my own time. I’m useless at it. How can I organize anyone else’s?
There, I’ve written it out of me for now. Tomorrow Firecracker is having a birthday party. I’m afraid no one will come. That happened one year, or nearly. Only one child showed up. I’ve tried calling, and the moms either don’t speak English or act as if they are reluctant to admit that the live in this universe, the universe with the invitation, my child, their child, and their common classroom.
More on my adventures in dyspepsia later. The title of this post, btw, is from Black Adder, and it gave me the day's first laugh. If you aren't familiar with Black Adder, you need to correct that deficiency right away before it becomes a way of life.
I feel death wafting around me. Perhaps I will die this year. I don’t want to die. I’m really opposed to it. My nephew, my friend. My friend. Is it easier to meet death deliberately instead of waiting for it to snare you? Why did she feel that dying was better than living? I miss her. And what about me? I think of estrogen. Perhaps I should have gone on tomoxifin. Maybe estrogen is the enemy. I’m overweight, so I’m even producing more of it. I’m practically swimming in it. Perhaps it’s wreaking havoc even as I sit here so indecisive. Perhaps I’ll die from indecisiveness. And then there’s Dear Husband. Whenever he has a flair up I wish I could peek into his bladder and make sure all the cells are behaving, no proliferation. Everyone’s health panics me. What is going on that I cannot see? Death and his demons, where are the creeping?
It’s amazing what plastic surgeons can do with reconstruction, it really is. But my new breast will always be a…a… construction. It is better than cancer, but it is still this alien sculpture perching on my chest. How I wish they could have done the TRAM. I’m still sad about that. I’ve never intended to have another child, but the knowledge that I could never nurse one if I did makes me cry. Isn’t that weird?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not doing what I was intended to do. The problem is that I have no idea what I was intended to do. You know, that idea that God has a plan with a place for everything and everything in its place. Do I even believe that? What do I believe? How can I believe? When I think of death, it seems the most preposterous suggestion that we would go somewhere after. It pretty much looks like a blank wall: bye bye. But there are these stories, this scripture that says otherwise. I find it hard to swallow.
I find it hard to chew on most things Christian these days. The claims, the glib prayers, the churchy stuff, the inspirational books, the enthusiasm, the dull dull tumbling of words. The bright shininess and maudlin spectacle of it all. The music. Oh god the awful sameness and bouncy bouncy of it. Sometimes it seems that if I jumped in the river it would come up to my ankles, so shallow the water is full of silt.
And then there are these longings that I don’t believe in: to home school my children, or at least to be a SAHM there when school is over, when the bus drops them off. The mom who can visit the class with the cupcakes and a story to read, who may actually someday meet the other mothers whose children my daughters spend more time with than with me. It seems so out of balance, but who am I kidding? My salary is essential and always will be, even after we pay off the cars and the student loan. Besides, I can’t organize my own time. I’m useless at it. How can I organize anyone else’s?
There, I’ve written it out of me for now. Tomorrow Firecracker is having a birthday party. I’m afraid no one will come. That happened one year, or nearly. Only one child showed up. I’ve tried calling, and the moms either don’t speak English or act as if they are reluctant to admit that the live in this universe, the universe with the invitation, my child, their child, and their common classroom.
More on my adventures in dyspepsia later. The title of this post, btw, is from Black Adder, and it gave me the day's first laugh. If you aren't familiar with Black Adder, you need to correct that deficiency right away before it becomes a way of life.
RevGal Friday Five: Taking a Break
Songbird says: Where we live, it's February School Vacation Week!
Yes, that's an odd thing, a vacation extending President's Day. But it's part of our lives here. Some people go South or go skiing, but we always stay home and find more humble amusements.
In that spirit, I offer this Taking a Break Friday Five. Tell us how you would spend:
1. a 15 minute break
Coffee and a book, although sometimes a book is just too engrossing. So, coffee and a chat with a friend.
2. an afternoon off
Sit down with a good book and forget about any errands I think should be done.
3. an unexpected free day
Hmm, perhaps a walk if the weather is nice, followed by some puttering. Or a trip to the bookstore/library. A movie—I hardly ever actually go to a movie. Pick up the girls early and play Uno with them.
4. a week's vacation
A trip to Savannah, or to Alabama to see my side of the family, or to LA to see Dear Husband’s side of the family. Or maybe a trip to the Grand Canyon. I would love to show the kids the Grand Canyon, and hubby’s never seen it either. Or a trip to New York. I would really like the girls to experience that. Walk around in Central Park. Walk around everywhere. Visit my old neighborhood in Park Slope. Go to the Cloisters. Must go to the Cloisters—one of my favorite places—and the Botanical Gardens. Broadway’s overrated and overpriced IMHO, but a nice play…or opera, though the girls would be bored stiff. The museums, Indian Row, East Village. Sigh.
5. a sabbatical
We all take a trip to England and visit as many cathedrals and castles as possible, as well as stopping off in York to finally see Bronte country, and to Cornwall, just because I’ve never been there and it sounds pretty. And of course visit the National Gallery in London, and the British Museum, and whatever museum that is with the Turner paintings, and Hampton Court, and the Soames Museum, and there has to be some theater in there somewhere and and and.… I’ve never seen the changing of the guard or Buckingham Palace. Oh I have to have tea and scones as many times as possible, and ploughman’s lunch and those enormous British fry-ups that B&Bs give you for breakfast. Have to get to Cambridge, too, and, what the heck, Oxford. And I would really like to see that house where they filmed Brideshead Revisited. Go walking in the Lake Country—that sounds good.
Yes, that's an odd thing, a vacation extending President's Day. But it's part of our lives here. Some people go South or go skiing, but we always stay home and find more humble amusements.
In that spirit, I offer this Taking a Break Friday Five. Tell us how you would spend:
1. a 15 minute break
Coffee and a book, although sometimes a book is just too engrossing. So, coffee and a chat with a friend.
2. an afternoon off
Sit down with a good book and forget about any errands I think should be done.
3. an unexpected free day
Hmm, perhaps a walk if the weather is nice, followed by some puttering. Or a trip to the bookstore/library. A movie—I hardly ever actually go to a movie. Pick up the girls early and play Uno with them.
4. a week's vacation
A trip to Savannah, or to Alabama to see my side of the family, or to LA to see Dear Husband’s side of the family. Or maybe a trip to the Grand Canyon. I would love to show the kids the Grand Canyon, and hubby’s never seen it either. Or a trip to New York. I would really like the girls to experience that. Walk around in Central Park. Walk around everywhere. Visit my old neighborhood in Park Slope. Go to the Cloisters. Must go to the Cloisters—one of my favorite places—and the Botanical Gardens. Broadway’s overrated and overpriced IMHO, but a nice play…or opera, though the girls would be bored stiff. The museums, Indian Row, East Village. Sigh.
5. a sabbatical
We all take a trip to England and visit as many cathedrals and castles as possible, as well as stopping off in York to finally see Bronte country, and to Cornwall, just because I’ve never been there and it sounds pretty. And of course visit the National Gallery in London, and the British Museum, and whatever museum that is with the Turner paintings, and Hampton Court, and the Soames Museum, and there has to be some theater in there somewhere and and and.… I’ve never seen the changing of the guard or Buckingham Palace. Oh I have to have tea and scones as many times as possible, and ploughman’s lunch and those enormous British fry-ups that B&Bs give you for breakfast. Have to get to Cambridge, too, and, what the heck, Oxford. And I would really like to see that house where they filmed Brideshead Revisited. Go walking in the Lake Country—that sounds good.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Christ and Homosexuality
I don't have anything intelligent, odd or humorous to offer, so I thought I would link to someone else's intelligent comments instead. So if you bothered to stop by at least you won't have wasted your time. The following neatly lays out four approaches Christians take in thinking about homosexuality and faith:
http://blog.beliefnet.com/tonyjones/2009/01/comment-of-the-day-21.html
The comment is from Zoecarnate, in case you want to check out his blog.
http://blog.beliefnet.com/tonyjones/2009/01/comment-of-the-day-21.html
The comment is from Zoecarnate, in case you want to check out his blog.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Random Holiday-ness
1. I finally saw Twilight, and I really really enjoyed it. I liked it so much I wondered if the critics have an aversion to either vampires or teen romances. Oh well, I liked Nativity Story, too. The director seems to have an interest in the world of teen girls that I find heartening. I guess there's a teen girl in me who feels all fluttery over a story of star-crossed lovers. Dear Husband went with me. He hasn't read the book, so I wasn't sure what he would think. He thought it was pretty good, although it wasn't clear to him why Bella falls for Edward. That was fairly compressed in the movie. Anyway, if Dear Husband is reading this, a DVD and a boxed set of the Twilight Books make excellent gift options. Hint hint.
2. I caught up with an old friend yesterday--L., it was great to see you!
3. We have American Idol for the Wii. Dear Husband and I got it out of desperation, as our only options on Disney SingIt have been Hannah Montana songs and such. We can now sing YMCA and Vacation. I achieved Diamond status with my rendition of Losing My Religion. Bow.
4. I think the girls don't give two flips about Girl Scouts. Why did I bother?
5. I'm so glad I have today off.
2. I caught up with an old friend yesterday--L., it was great to see you!
3. We have American Idol for the Wii. Dear Husband and I got it out of desperation, as our only options on Disney SingIt have been Hannah Montana songs and such. We can now sing YMCA and Vacation. I achieved Diamond status with my rendition of Losing My Religion. Bow.
4. I think the girls don't give two flips about Girl Scouts. Why did I bother?
5. I'm so glad I have today off.
Friday, January 16, 2009
RevGals Friday Five: Take Me, Baby, Or Leave Me
From Songbird: "Whether it's new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?"
1. I like the beginning of a job or task when the learning curve is steep. After that, I get bored easily. Very easily. If it doesn’t interest me, I find it nearly impossible to stay focused. I need frequent breaks to do something unrelated. Without a challenge, I have no motivation at all. I’m not one of those people who can just plug away because they have a great work ethic. Nope. When I’m bored, I spend all my time trying techniques to keep me on task and to avoid distractions. They usually don’t work. I need a deadline (a REAL deadline imposed by someone else) to get me to kick into action.
2. Despite the fact that I get bored easily, I’m not much of a risk taker or adventurer. I am deeply introverted and cautious in my actions. I’m talkative at times, but I don’t like new situations or social gatherings very much.
3. When I am reading, if you talk to me, I probably won’t remember what you said, even if it looks like I’m listening. Reading is more than a diversion, more than entertainment, more than insight and knowledge. It’s even more than a passion. Reading will soothe me when nothing else will. Libraries and bookstores are two of my favorite places to be, places where I feel absolutely safe and in my element. I love to be surrounded by books. I love the smell of them, the covers, the variety. I will not listen to a book on CD—I want to hold it in my hands.
4. I appear to be very obliging and “normal,” but my thoughts tend to be rebellious, anti-authoritarian, sardonic, skeptical and cynical. I usually don’t trust the people in power—at times that includes God—and I’m generally on the side of the person with no power. I don’t understand why people value obedience so much, as opposed to questioning and resisting. How can you know who deserves obedience unless you test them?
5. I have no leadership skills whatsoever. I mean it.
1. I like the beginning of a job or task when the learning curve is steep. After that, I get bored easily. Very easily. If it doesn’t interest me, I find it nearly impossible to stay focused. I need frequent breaks to do something unrelated. Without a challenge, I have no motivation at all. I’m not one of those people who can just plug away because they have a great work ethic. Nope. When I’m bored, I spend all my time trying techniques to keep me on task and to avoid distractions. They usually don’t work. I need a deadline (a REAL deadline imposed by someone else) to get me to kick into action.
2. Despite the fact that I get bored easily, I’m not much of a risk taker or adventurer. I am deeply introverted and cautious in my actions. I’m talkative at times, but I don’t like new situations or social gatherings very much.
3. When I am reading, if you talk to me, I probably won’t remember what you said, even if it looks like I’m listening. Reading is more than a diversion, more than entertainment, more than insight and knowledge. It’s even more than a passion. Reading will soothe me when nothing else will. Libraries and bookstores are two of my favorite places to be, places where I feel absolutely safe and in my element. I love to be surrounded by books. I love the smell of them, the covers, the variety. I will not listen to a book on CD—I want to hold it in my hands.
4. I appear to be very obliging and “normal,” but my thoughts tend to be rebellious, anti-authoritarian, sardonic, skeptical and cynical. I usually don’t trust the people in power—at times that includes God—and I’m generally on the side of the person with no power. I don’t understand why people value obedience so much, as opposed to questioning and resisting. How can you know who deserves obedience unless you test them?
5. I have no leadership skills whatsoever. I mean it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Anxiety, dread, and depression
It’s one of those days when my mood suddenly turns on a dime. I was going along, bored but getting things done and feeling generally positive, when I suddenly found myself sliding down the mountain of self doubt. All my choices seem suspect. All my talents have been buried, misused, or never existed at all. Every event seems like a hurdle, from the smallest to the largest. It’s just a mood, I tell myself. It will pass. But really these sorts of moods suck the joy out of everything and replace it with anxiety and dread. I have enough anxiety and dread on the good days without more taking root.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Musical Confession, Or How I've Been Influenced by Disney
When we got the Wii for Christmas, my BIL also sent a gift card so we could buy some games. One of them, chosen by Firecracker, was Disney SingIt, which has songs by a number of Disney stars, including, of course, Hannah Montana and a bunch of High School Musical numbers. I have to confess that I enjoy a lot of these songs. Grownups are supposed to think they're cheesy and that none of the performers can sing or have any talent. But gosh darn it I like these kids. Here's one of my favorites:
And then I ran across this, which I thought was pretty awesome:
And then I ran across this, which I thought was pretty awesome:
Monday, December 29, 2008
The New Member of the Family
My BIL sent us a Wii for Christmas, and we may never use the TV for actual viewing again. Turns out I have a knack for virtual bowling.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Random before-Christmas observations
1. DramaQueen has a Girl Scout fundraiser on Sunday. They will be set up at B&N taking donations to wrap presents. Scratch that. The girls will be looking sweet and asking people if they want presents wrapped and the moms will be wrapping the presents. I must remember to find her sash.
2. I finally found Dear Huband's present. Not exactly the right thing but very much on the right track. I hope.
3. I need to purchase tissue paper.
4. I must at all costs avoid the Mall of Georgia disaster area by a radius of about 5 miles. Except that of course the B&N is in the Mall.
5. DramaQueen has another Girl Scout event on Monday, visiting a senior center. Must remember sash again.
6. We have to make cookies close enough to Christmas Eve to ensure that there are some left for Santa.
7. I'm not sure I remember where I hid everything.
8. Despite my intense dislike of crowds I have a perverse desire to visit a toy store and a craft store and just sort of wander around.
9. Lindt white chocolate truffles are yummy.
10. Firecracker is finding that the kitties need "talks". She has to take them aside and talk to them about good and bad choices. It seems they are making a lot of bad choices.
2. I finally found Dear Huband's present. Not exactly the right thing but very much on the right track. I hope.
3. I need to purchase tissue paper.
4. I must at all costs avoid the Mall of Georgia disaster area by a radius of about 5 miles. Except that of course the B&N is in the Mall.
5. DramaQueen has another Girl Scout event on Monday, visiting a senior center. Must remember sash again.
6. We have to make cookies close enough to Christmas Eve to ensure that there are some left for Santa.
7. I'm not sure I remember where I hid everything.
8. Despite my intense dislike of crowds I have a perverse desire to visit a toy store and a craft store and just sort of wander around.
9. Lindt white chocolate truffles are yummy.
10. Firecracker is finding that the kitties need "talks". She has to take them aside and talk to them about good and bad choices. It seems they are making a lot of bad choices.
Friday, December 05, 2008
RevGals Friday Five: Advent
Sally writes:
"Imagine a complex, multi-cultural society that annually holds an elaborate winter festival, one that lasts not simply a few days, but several weeks. This great festival celebrates the birth of the Lord and Saviour of the world, the prince of peace, a man who is divine. People mark the festival with great abundance- feasting, drinking and gift giving....." (Richard Horsley- The Liberation of Christmas)
"Imagine a complex, multi-cultural society that annually holds an elaborate winter festival, one that lasts not simply a few days, but several weeks. This great festival celebrates the birth of the Lord and Saviour of the world, the prince of peace, a man who is divine. People mark the festival with great abundance- feasting, drinking and gift giving....." (Richard Horsley- The Liberation of Christmas)
The passage goes on, recounting the decorations that are hung, and the songs and dances that accompany the festival, how the economy booms and philanthropic acts abound....
But this is not Christmas- this is a Roman festival in celebration of the Emperor....This is the world that Jesus was born into! The world where the early Christians would ask "Who is your Saviour the Emperor or Christ?"
And yet our shops and stores and often our lives are caught up in a world that looks very much like the one of ancient Rome, where we worship at the shrine of consumerism....
Advent on the other hand calls us into the darkness, a time of quiet preparation, a time of waiting, and re-discovering the wonder of the knowledge that God is with us. Advent's call is to simplicity and not abundance, a time when we wait for glorious light of God to come again...
Christ is with us at this time of advent, in the darkness, and Christ is coming with his light- not the light of the shopping centre, but the light of love and truth and beauty.
What do you long for this advent? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? What is your prayer today?
In the vein of simplicity I ask you to list five advent longings....
Here are mine:
1. I would like a peaceful, relaxed Christmas--no frenzied shopping, no maniacal Martha Stewart ambitions. Really, I do not need to hand-decorate cookies.
2. I want to not be so afraid of overcommitting that I never commit at all. I've always managed my ADD by not assuming any extra responsibilites. But life gets a bit bare...I need to find a balance.
3. I would like care more about God; He and I have a generally cordial but rather distant relationship
4. I pray for solace for my brother and his wife who lost their only child. I pray for a little seed of hope--anything--for them.
5. I have not developed many friendships since I married. It's so much harder than when I was in college and I could easily find others with my interests. I need to work on this.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Sick and Stunned
I had a good friend when I lived in New York. We were both in the Columbia writing program, and we were roommates for a few years. She was wonderful. She started out writing fiction but she later started writing poetry, the most stunning poetry. I missed her when I moved away, and sometimes we would talk on the phone or email. When her first poetry book came out, I bought it. It was fabulous. I last emailed her just after my breast surgery, and she replied, telling me about her life. I replied when Dear Husband's cousin died, and she asked me to send my address when I could. The next time I emailed I got no response. I didn't think much about it. Figured she was busy--she had a new book coming out. And heaven knows my life was crazy and stayed that way for the next year.
And for some reason today I decided to try to find her, and instead I found her obituary. She committed suicide less than a month after our last email. I wish I had tried harder to contact her. I wish I had been a better friend. I wish at least I had known she died.
And for some reason I can't find my old blog post about her book, The Longing Distance.
And for some reason today I decided to try to find her, and instead I found her obituary. She committed suicide less than a month after our last email. I wish I had tried harder to contact her. I wish I had been a better friend. I wish at least I had known she died.
And for some reason I can't find my old blog post about her book, The Longing Distance.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I Am Back, Sad and Weary
I'm back. I watched my brother and his wife bury their only child. Whatever problems he had been through, he was putting himself back together, and he was excited about enlisting in the Marines. He was to go to the recruiting office the day he died. Despite being fatally injured, he somehow managed to get out of the car and search for help while reassuring the other young man with him all the way to ER, "Hang on, it'll be okay. My dad's coming." He was so beloved by the priest that there were times I wasn't sure he was going to make it through the service. My nephew was very close to him, and had never hesitated to confide in Fr. K., had never held back the bad or the good. Fr. K. said that A. had demons, but that even in the worst of times he continued to express a desire to be a priest, and that A. had always wanted only to be closer to God. It was so hard to watch my brother and SIL go through this and to see this young man with the whole future before him lying in a coffin.
I would like to share something A. wrote two days before his death:
This Is the Best Day
God has brought be such joy
over the past few months.
Through prayer and sacrifice
many of my dreams have come true.
My faith even in the times of trouble
has saved me and redeemed me.
Thank you God for all the gifts and
bounties you have given me.
The funeral mass was beautiful, painful as it was. I'm not Catholic, so it was unfamiliar territory to some extent. Even though I couldn't participate in communion, I found the ritual lovely and powerful. There were two women cantors with the voices of angels. I'm not familiar with many Catholic hymns, and there was one they sang that moved me deeply, called Be Not Afraid. I found a version of it on YouTube, which I will leave you with:
I would like to share something A. wrote two days before his death:
This Is the Best Day
God has brought be such joy
over the past few months.
Through prayer and sacrifice
many of my dreams have come true.
My faith even in the times of trouble
has saved me and redeemed me.
Thank you God for all the gifts and
bounties you have given me.
The funeral mass was beautiful, painful as it was. I'm not Catholic, so it was unfamiliar territory to some extent. Even though I couldn't participate in communion, I found the ritual lovely and powerful. There were two women cantors with the voices of angels. I'm not familiar with many Catholic hymns, and there was one they sang that moved me deeply, called Be Not Afraid. I found a version of it on YouTube, which I will leave you with:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Death in the Family
Yesterday my 20-year-old nephew, A., died from injuries he sustained in an automobile accident. I am waiting to hear when the funeral will be held. Dear Husband and the girls are headed for LA. I will be headed for Philly, either by car with my other brothers or by plane. A. was my fourth brother's only child. He survived childhood leukemia--a real miracle child for them. I last saw him when my mother died, 7 years ago. He was a devout child and wanted to be a priest. He was sweet and smart. He was very troubled in recent years and I gather his behavior became erratic and there were many problems. I don't know the whole story and probably never will. I know it caused my brother a lot of pain. And now this.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
DramaQueen Performs
DramaQueen's drama class put on a performance yesterday. It was very low-key--mostly family in the audience, I imagine. She recited a poem and participated in 4 skits. Several were taken from Adventures in Odyssey and were based on the parables. Of course I was proud as could be. She did a great job in the skits. She looked a bit nervous during her solo piece, but she did choose a long poem. All the girls looked like they were having a great time. Dear Husband did something sweet aferwards--he asked all the performers for their autographs. There are times he just melts my heart.
We went out for a celebratory dinner after, and then to the mall. I'm not good with malls. I'm not even good with mall parking lots. Not to mention there are all these free-standing stores and strip malls scattered all over. If anyone could get lost in all those byways it would be me. The malls themselves are so noisy and hyperactive. And nowadays that have kiosks with salespeople accosting you as you walk by. I'm not friendly to people who do that. I'm a very polite and nice person, but not to them. For one thing, politely declining only prolongs the interaction, which is exactly what they want. Ugh. Anyway, I always feel as if something has crawled into my brain.
And now both of them are complaining of sore throats and coughs, here on the cusp of out Thanksgiving trip to LA. We'll spend the afternoon at a local clinic, where they'll no doubt tell us it's a cold, but which in the next few days will develop into something requiring antibiotics, and I'll have to take off work to go yet again. Dear Husband and I have amazing predictive abilities, yet we can't convince the doctors of our foreknowledge.
Oh, and Girl Scouts was on Thursday. Firecracker complained of being shy. I still don't have her Daisy book or her uniform. I really like the troop mom because she works full-time and is being pretty relaxed about the whole thing. The Brownie leader could run IBM. There was a mom in charge of collecting forms from the delinquent moms (such as myself). The table was set out like a production line for the girls to package gift boxes, and the Calendar Mom informed me that DramaQueen will be selling 10 calendars, minimum. It didn't sound like a request. The Brownie Mom also had the sash and accoutrements (jeepers, how much stuff do you need? troop numbers, ribbons, pins for the ribbons, flags) all nealy packaged together. There are particular places to iron on all this stuff and I haven't a clue. Some badges can only go on the back, and then there are these triangular ones that I know didn't exist when I was a kid. Brownie Mom's child's vest must weigh 20 pounds from all the paraphernalia. The girls will be wrapping gifts at B&N. Or, as the leader told me, mostly the grownups will be doind the wrapping. I guess the girls will stand around looking cute.
So that's where we are at the moment. Our budget has been Dave Ramseyed, so I have to see if Christmas presents can be done for $50. Well, not really, but we are talking frugal. Particularly since the septic tank outlay. Ah, well.
And then there are a class of items called Swaps. There are many web pages devoted to creating these little giveaway pins. Girls Scouts must be keeping Michaels in business.
We went out for a celebratory dinner after, and then to the mall. I'm not good with malls. I'm not even good with mall parking lots. Not to mention there are all these free-standing stores and strip malls scattered all over. If anyone could get lost in all those byways it would be me. The malls themselves are so noisy and hyperactive. And nowadays that have kiosks with salespeople accosting you as you walk by. I'm not friendly to people who do that. I'm a very polite and nice person, but not to them. For one thing, politely declining only prolongs the interaction, which is exactly what they want. Ugh. Anyway, I always feel as if something has crawled into my brain.
And now both of them are complaining of sore throats and coughs, here on the cusp of out Thanksgiving trip to LA. We'll spend the afternoon at a local clinic, where they'll no doubt tell us it's a cold, but which in the next few days will develop into something requiring antibiotics, and I'll have to take off work to go yet again. Dear Husband and I have amazing predictive abilities, yet we can't convince the doctors of our foreknowledge.
Oh, and Girl Scouts was on Thursday. Firecracker complained of being shy. I still don't have her Daisy book or her uniform. I really like the troop mom because she works full-time and is being pretty relaxed about the whole thing. The Brownie leader could run IBM. There was a mom in charge of collecting forms from the delinquent moms (such as myself). The table was set out like a production line for the girls to package gift boxes, and the Calendar Mom informed me that DramaQueen will be selling 10 calendars, minimum. It didn't sound like a request. The Brownie Mom also had the sash and accoutrements (jeepers, how much stuff do you need? troop numbers, ribbons, pins for the ribbons, flags) all nealy packaged together. There are particular places to iron on all this stuff and I haven't a clue. Some badges can only go on the back, and then there are these triangular ones that I know didn't exist when I was a kid. Brownie Mom's child's vest must weigh 20 pounds from all the paraphernalia. The girls will be wrapping gifts at B&N. Or, as the leader told me, mostly the grownups will be doind the wrapping. I guess the girls will stand around looking cute.
So that's where we are at the moment. Our budget has been Dave Ramseyed, so I have to see if Christmas presents can be done for $50. Well, not really, but we are talking frugal. Particularly since the septic tank outlay. Ah, well.
And then there are a class of items called Swaps. There are many web pages devoted to creating these little giveaway pins. Girls Scouts must be keeping Michaels in business.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Meh
I just got through with a cold, the kind that made me croak like a frog and drink disgusting night-time swill. Then we found out that there were roots growing into our drainage pipes and that some idiot planted a tree on top of the septic tank. In fact, the septic tank was not where the survey said it was. And since no previous owner seems to have discovered that the tank was under a tree, which made pumping it something of a challenge, I assume that it hasn't been serviced since, oh, 1988. So, $2000 later, there is still a rather mysterious methane smell that comes and goes. It's no longer under the bathroom sink. Now I can't discover a point of origin.
This weekend DramaQueen gets to perform. I'm beginning to recall how very annoying I found theater people in college. They made me want to hide in a dark closet so that I could soothe my nerves and hear myself think again. They created a lot of vocal clutter. I'm thinking about this now because DramaQueen just coming down off drama class, and my head is spinning.
This Thursday is Girl Scouts. I thought this would be great for the girls, but I am completely at sea. I have no idea what is going on. It's a world in which moms actually save pringles cans and have them ready to bring in for the next craft project. I guess they live in houses with lots of room for bottle caps, toilet paper rolls, fabric scraps, and old wrapping paper. I am paralyzed in the face of so much efficiency. The Brownies were scoping for a cookie mom, which I resolutely refuse to do. I am not an organizer or a treasurer and God knows I've never been one to hop in with that can-do attitude. Just let me bring the snacks.
This weekend DramaQueen gets to perform. I'm beginning to recall how very annoying I found theater people in college. They made me want to hide in a dark closet so that I could soothe my nerves and hear myself think again. They created a lot of vocal clutter. I'm thinking about this now because DramaQueen just coming down off drama class, and my head is spinning.
This Thursday is Girl Scouts. I thought this would be great for the girls, but I am completely at sea. I have no idea what is going on. It's a world in which moms actually save pringles cans and have them ready to bring in for the next craft project. I guess they live in houses with lots of room for bottle caps, toilet paper rolls, fabric scraps, and old wrapping paper. I am paralyzed in the face of so much efficiency. The Brownies were scoping for a cookie mom, which I resolutely refuse to do. I am not an organizer or a treasurer and God knows I've never been one to hop in with that can-do attitude. Just let me bring the snacks.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Where Have I Been?
That retreat was great. First, it was in a beautiful setting. Second, there were all sorts of interesting women with amazing stories. The theme was finding our true identity in Christ, and part of our "curriculum" involved a temperament test. I love personality tests. Most people seem to. I'm not sure why we want a third party eval of ourselves, but we do. I turned out to be a Phlegmatic, which was hardly surprising. Observers rather than particpators, avoids conflict, indecisive, calm and balanced, mediators, introverts. I can pick them out. We are the ones who sit quietly at a party, smiling and laughing now and then, perferring not to be the center of attention.
The girls went to a friend's house for a Halloween sleepover. I walked around with them while they went trick-or-treating. Our friends live in an affluent neighborhood, which really makes a difference in the quality of candy you receive. They collected mostly chocolate, which is almost unheard of. And no raisins. I don't know why people bother handing out raisins. Blech.
Last night we went to a Girl Scout party, because I'm testing the waters to see if the girls want to get involved. There were a number of games, including one in which you eat a donut hanging off a string with your hands behind your back. Firecracker showed an amazing amount of persistence in this game. I think we were there for 20 minutes. It paid off, too, because she got most of it.
All for now, as I have to get ready for church.
The girls went to a friend's house for a Halloween sleepover. I walked around with them while they went trick-or-treating. Our friends live in an affluent neighborhood, which really makes a difference in the quality of candy you receive. They collected mostly chocolate, which is almost unheard of. And no raisins. I don't know why people bother handing out raisins. Blech.
Last night we went to a Girl Scout party, because I'm testing the waters to see if the girls want to get involved. There were a number of games, including one in which you eat a donut hanging off a string with your hands behind your back. Firecracker showed an amazing amount of persistence in this game. I think we were there for 20 minutes. It paid off, too, because she got most of it.
All for now, as I have to get ready for church.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Going on a Trip
I get to go on a retreat this weekend! I have never been on a retreat. Well, except for one venture in my teens that baffled and disturbed me and completely turned me off organized religion for a very long time. But that's another story. The retreat is in North Georgia, so I'm looking forward to quiet, nature, fellowship, quiet, walking, a bit of contemplation, prayer, and did I mention the quiet? Actually, quiet is a prayer in itself for me.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Gates of Hell
Have you heard of a judgment house? It came up in a conversation recently, and I had to ask to be enlightened. It's a "christian" alternative to the haunted house. Visitors are treated to tableaux of the end times, with mayhem and destruction and, I presume, the unsaved marched off to the fiery depths.
Really. I'm not making it up.
Wow! What a great evangelistic tool! Not.
I started thinking of some alternative presentations. Instead of car wrecks and airplane crashes, we could have reenactments of Bergen/Belson, Darfur, Guatemala, the Spanish Inquisition. Oh, the possibilities are endless. Why do people think hell is below us or floating off in the hinterlands, when we are so good at raising hell ourselves?
We've all met people who take such delight, such sick delight in the wrath of God. Lovey dovey God just doesn't do it for them. Yes, heaven help us if our God were too loving. But, they point out that God was quite clear on that point, and I agree. God says very clearly that his wrath is kindled by those who opress or ignore the orphan and the widow. Hmm. Now, could that have any connection to the thousands of children who have to go without health insurance and health care every year? Every child has a right to get born, but who said anything about life after birth? Or how about the many widows we create with an outrageous war?
Christ said the gates of hell could not stand against us, and yet we are timidly tapping at those gates. We cry out, "Come, now, Lord Jesus." And then we slam the door in His face.
Really. I'm not making it up.
Wow! What a great evangelistic tool! Not.
I started thinking of some alternative presentations. Instead of car wrecks and airplane crashes, we could have reenactments of Bergen/Belson, Darfur, Guatemala, the Spanish Inquisition. Oh, the possibilities are endless. Why do people think hell is below us or floating off in the hinterlands, when we are so good at raising hell ourselves?
We've all met people who take such delight, such sick delight in the wrath of God. Lovey dovey God just doesn't do it for them. Yes, heaven help us if our God were too loving. But, they point out that God was quite clear on that point, and I agree. God says very clearly that his wrath is kindled by those who opress or ignore the orphan and the widow. Hmm. Now, could that have any connection to the thousands of children who have to go without health insurance and health care every year? Every child has a right to get born, but who said anything about life after birth? Or how about the many widows we create with an outrageous war?
Christ said the gates of hell could not stand against us, and yet we are timidly tapping at those gates. We cry out, "Come, now, Lord Jesus." And then we slam the door in His face.
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