Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Adderall is my friend, I think

I've always thought I was the least likely person to have ADD. After all, I was as far from hyperactive as you can get, and I love to read, and I made it through school with good grades. Sure I drifted aimlessly from day to day and had no idea what to do with myself if I wasn't at work or school. Empty time sure was empty. When I was a kid I hated summer for this reason. I would draw up elaborate schedules, but I could never keep it up. I loved school--so ordered, so rhythmic. It was such a relief to know that I was supposed to be in place B at time A. And schoolwork was easy, as long as I liked my classes, and I usually did. I was bored a lot, but mostly at home.

I don't think I ever owned a calendar, much less a planner. I have no idea how I got through college without missing assignments, exams, whatever. I don't remember having a date book until I was in my 30s and I started a job where they made you take a Franklin Covey seminar. I hate Franklin Covey. I hate his bulky planners and his goal charts and the stupid seminars. But I was sucked into the world of planners. I've carried a lot of them, and written in appointments. Unfortunately, I usually forget to look at them.

My coping mechanisms consisted mostly of letting someone else take care of the important stuff at home and never committing to anything that required a due date. And then along came kids, and suddenly there were doctors and dentists, and then specialists and day care providers and forms and charts and a mountain of bills, statements, applications, laundry, toys, diaper bags, commutes. Now, after seven years of motherhood, I am going to admit that I have lost it and probably never had it. I regularly misplace papers. I forget doctor appointments. Sometimes I show up at appointments on the wrong day. I can start on one project and somehow end up researching the name of that obscure actor in movie x. I've written checks off the wrong account. I can forget what you are saying while you are talking to me, because my mind snagged on one of your words and that reminded me that I have to remember to not forget to pick up the dry-cleaning. I write notes to myself on my hands in Sharpie. I forget to reorder prescriptions before I hit the last pill, at which point I notice that the label says "No More Refills." The flip side is that I can become so obsessed with a project that I don't notice the laundry or the dishes, or how very late it is getting. It seems perfectly reasonable that I can pack three lunches, clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher and finally fold the laundry at eleven pm. Even though I've never been a great homemaker, I've always managed to hold it together at work, but not now. I've always been great at ideas and lousy at follow-through, but now I feel like a gibbering idiot in a cubicle.

Our life only runs smoothly because of Dear Husband. He pays the bills and realizes that if we are going on a trip on the 11th, certain preparations need to start on the 5th. When I hedge, he is decisive. When I dawdle, he keeps me on track.

So, Adderall, let's see what you can do.


I've started this stupid post half a dozen times now. There's no flow.

Firecracker's surger is set for February 8 and that just sucks. February 9 is her birthday. How am I going to explain surgery to her? How am I going to handle watching her handle it? Sometimes I just want to kick God's shins.