Thursday, October 12, 2006

In which I admit my secret longings

I’ve been pondering my previous comment about my Martha Stewart-ish urges. No one would know that I have them from looking at my house. The only style it has was pounded into place by my MIL out of pity. I have no ability to decorate. I suppose I should have known this pretty early on, since my idea of decorating my dorm room was to write morbid thoughts on the walls in black marker. I don’t recommend that, by the way. I didn’t own a bed for years, preferring to sleep on a futon on the floor. I don’t recommend that, either, after a certain age and weight threshold is reached.

I don’t actually look at Martha Stewart’s magazine. It’s far too lofty. Now and then I pick up Real Simple, which always has a section on ingenious ways to reuse items, creating new containers, holders, and such that you never actually realized you needed. Of course, if you don’t have the original item to reuse—say egg cups—now’s your chance to purchase them so that you can use them to organize your paperclips and thumbtacks. Why you aren’t using your egg cups for eggs I don’t know. Perhaps you just recently updated the look of your egg cups. Everyone needs a change.

These are the magazines I think of as leisureporn—offering enticing images of inaccessible perfection to overworked women. Then there are the old-school women’s mags, the meat and potatoes home-cooked version. Every issue has tips on organization, which is an endlessly vexing problem, but without it I’m not sure what these magazines would publish. Many tips on how not to look overworked and frumpy, all in 5 minutes. You go girl. Then there are the diets and the exercises that can be done 10 minutes while you catch up with Desperate Housewives, followed by recipes for seasonal cupcakes. Ah, and don’t forget the ideas for kid’s birthday parties. How to build a castle from 13 sheet cakes, a gallon of frosting divided into 36 colors, a sugar wafer drawbridge, a fruit leather banner, and gumdrops cleverly flattened by a rolling pin and cut into the shape of a dragon.

Do I sound bitter? Because, yes, I admit it, I would like to have my life so well-ordered that I could construct a small building with cake.

And I’ve never even owned egg cups.


  1. Well, you may be bitter, but you are also very witty and funny. I enjoyed reading this for your sarcastic words about those mags...and I'm not even a woman.

    You go girl.

  2. I don't even know what egg cups are. But now I'm going to find out. I think I need to have them.

  3. Leisureporn...classic.

    I have egg cups you and JP can borrow. We use them for eggs (because we're wacky like that).

    I still love to look at Martha's magazine although it's been a long time since I attempted anything out of it. I like all the pretty pictures. "Real Simple" always bugs me though. It's so pretty and enticing and you think, "Oh, simple solutions to (fill in the blank)" but somehow every time I've ever read it the "simple" solution to something always involves spending a bucket of money. Hey, if I had a bucket of money I too could simplify my wardrobe by filling it with black cashmere but as it is, not so much.

    Having said all that, I found this post to be particularly accurate, amusing and very Bad Alice.

  4. I love it Alice! You're my kind of girl! (yes, we're all girls, no matter our ages) BTW, I used to call my decorating style 'early american yard-sale'. We've upgraded a bit since then, but "Better Homes" we'll never be.

  5. I am not a decorator or Martha Stewart either.

  6. I had to google "egg cups."
    I like my decor -- early American Impoverished.
    Slightly more "shabby" than "chic," it is a definite step up from early American College Student.

  7. ROFL!

    As someone who detests eggs in most forms, especially in egg cups, I appreciated your thoughts. It is also the reason why I chose a new couch for our den in the color of graham cracker crumbs, NOT white leather (which DH was most desirous of purchasing!)


  8. oh my - i read your profile and this most recent post, and you are my kind of girl. first time visitor here, and you have introduced me to a great new word: LEISUREPORN.

    can't wait to use it in context. write on, girl - i'll be back to read more. gotta go buy some egg cups first.

  9. Leisureporn! I love it! (Quoth the former subscriber to Country Home.)

    I have a weakness for that subset of leisureporn known as foodieporn -- glossy magazines filled with beautiful food photography of recipes calling for 30 ingredients and 3-day prep times, that I know I will never make in my lifetime.

  10. LOL! You know, I buy my catfood to match the colour of the carpets... :) There's your tip for the day.