Expert Advice

Expert Advice (Food1): Continue to offer a variety of fruits and vegetables to your picky eater.
Reality: Continue to throw out a variety of fruits and vegetables.

Expert Advice (Food2): Offer children flavorful dips for veggies and fruit.
Reality: “Ooo gross!”

Expert Advice (Food3): It’s important to have family time at the dinner table
Reality: It’s important to eat dinner before 10 pm.

Expert Advice: Establish a bedtime routine to encourage your children to fall asleep.
Reality:

Begin bedtime routine as soon as dinner is finished. Listen to whining: I haven’t had dessert yet. I want a story. It isn’t time yet. Nuh uh!

Run bath water while Child 1 runs around house for no apparent reason.

Put Child 2 into tub to sounds of “hot!hot!hot!” although water is perfectly fine.

Scream at top of lungs for Child 1 because you can’t leave Child 2 in bath to look for Child 1.

Child 1 bounces in, does a dance and says ‘Where’s you’re happy face?” Child 2 is dangling a dripping wet washcloth over the side of tub. Child 1 has to go to bathroom: “Don’t look, I need my privacy,” and sits on toilet in a daze. Reverie cut short, Child 1 perches on edge of tub: “I look like a mermaid!” and slides down end of tub—SPLASH!

Child 1 and Child 2 fight over soap. Soap is lost. Child 2 screams during shampoo: “eyes! eyes!” Child 1 insists on having hair washed “like in a salon.”

While water empties and Child 1 is being dried, Child 2 finds the soap and soaps up entire body, necessitating a rinse.

Child 1 wraps herself in the towel and runs around the house.

Child 2 will not put on the pull-up with Belle; only one with all three princesses. There are only Belles left. Child 1 picks out clothes for next day but is still naked. Child 1 and 2 throw towels at each other. Child 2 insists on wearing jeans instead of pajamas.

Have nervous breakdown. Put suddenly subdued children into nightclothes. It is now time to begin the brushing teeth routine. Whimper quietly to self.

At no point in this process will children actually be tired.

Expert Advice: TV is bad for children and viewing time should be strictly limited.
Reality: During TV time you know that while you cook dinner/do the laundry/scrub the tub/do your taxes, Child 1 and Child 2 are not: (1) trying to remove the electrical outlets in their bedroom, (2) jumping on the bunk beds, (3) playing in the toilet bowl, (4) opening all the paint bottles in the playroom, where—oops—kitty accidentally knocks them over, (5) trying to cut each other’s hair, (6) using the ink stamps on daddy’s shoes.

Expert Advice: Expose your children to a variety of music.
Reality: “This music is boring!” “Mommy, what does ?##!! mean?” “Mommy let’s sing Jingle Bells again, only let me say jingle bells and you sing the rest.” “Let’s sing Jingle Bells again, only this time I’ll sing it and you say jingle bells.” “Let’s sing Jingle Bells again cause it’s my most favoritest song.”

Expert Advice: Crafts are a wonderful way to keep children occupied.
Reality: Get out construction paper. Look for glue sticks. Find one with the cap left off and the insides shriveled up like a salted snail. Against your better judgment, settle on liquid glue. Look for scissors. Find them in the dollhouse. Don’t think too much about why. Now, begin project: “Mommy, it won’t cut. Mommy this is too hard. (Whimper) Mommy I want you to do it. Mommy, she won’t share! Mommy, she’s putting glue on the carpet! Mommy, I’m hungry. Mommy, can we watch TV?”

Expert Advice: Never offer bribes for good behavior.
Reality: Are you freakin’ out of your mind?

Expert Advice: Encourage men to share nighttime parenting.
Reality:

Scenario one (newborn)
Child: WAAAAH!
Daddy: Whaa? Whaas that?
Mommy: Baby’s hungry
Daddy: Sorry, hon, you’re the one with the breasts.

Scenario two (toddler)
Child: WAAAH! MOMMMMY!
Daddy: Whaa? Whaas that?
Mommy: I think she’s having a bad dream.
Daddy: ZZZZZ

Scenario three (preschooler)
Child: Cough Cough Moooommmmy!
Daddy: Whaa? Whaas that?
Mommy: She’s sick and running a fever?
Daddy: Do we need to go to the ER?
Mommy: No.
Daddy: Give her some Tylenol and tell her to go to sleep.