Friday, August 14, 2015

Panic

So I had a panic attack the other night. I think it was the culmination of two days of feeling as if I couldn't breathe properly. Obviously I was breathing and walking around and no one had to call an ambulance, but I felt like I couldn't draw in quite enough air. This led to lots of yawning and deep breaths and generally made the whole process that's supposed to be automatic a huge pain in the ass. Anyway, last night I was dealing once again with the breathing situation, when I stopped being able to swallow. Well, I could swallow water, I found. But clearing my throat - and the usual swallowing we do as a matter of course? Nah, my throat seized up. I decided I was probably dying of MS or ALS or something similar, and I would end up in a bed with a feeding tube and a ventilator and someone would have to suction out all my spit. So I had to talk myself down out of that tree. That went sort of like this:

Amygdala: You're going to die! There is something seriously wrong but we don't know what it is. Scour the Internet!
Me: I'm not dying. I can still breathe and swallow water *pause to drink water again*
Amygdala: Sure you can swallow it now, but for how long? And what about that breathing thing? How's that going?
Me:  Dammit! Maybe if I try to lie down...
Amygdala: Don't lie down! What if your throat closes up and you stop breathing? YOU NEED TO STAY AWAKE!
Me: Look it even says here that swallowing problems are a common feature of a panic attack.
Amygdala: Did I stutter? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!

When I finally did get to sleep, I dreamed that Jeff was applying for a second job at Taco Bell. While I sat waiting for him, I began to wonder if Taco Bell had anything gluten free. Then I began to worry because Jeff hadn't come out. What if he already come out and didn't realize I was still there and had gone home? So I went home. And he wasn't there. So I began to fret that now he  was coming out of the interview and would be worried when I wasn't there. This conundrum was interrupted by the appearance of someone I worked with, She asked to take a picture of me, but then I was the one holding the camera phone up to the sky, and I saw cherry blossoms going in and out of focus on the screen.



9 comments:

  1. That is scary stuff. Do you ever have the dream where you're waking up and you try to get out of bed but can't do it? I've laid there struggling in my sleep trying to force myself to be awake, feeling like the blankets are strapping me to the bed. That is how I envision a panic attack to be, only when you're actually awake.

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    1. I've had that, too - sleep paralysis. It would feel like magnets were pulling me to the bed, and I would hear crackling static in my ears. Once I felt as if there were an evil being in a hood standing near me - that was terrifying. I've read that sleeping on your side can help prevent sleep paralysis. Thankfully, I haven't had an episode of that in a number of years.

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    2. I get them all the time, and yes, often the urgency to wake up is because of some sort of intruder in the house. It's confusing because you really think you are awake while it's happening. The thing that consistently tells me that I'm still asleep is when I make it to a light switch and the lights don't come on, which is now a signal to my brain that all of this is ok because it's not real. Since I live alone I don't know if there are any signs that I'm visibly strugging while this is happening. I think I always sleep on my side, but now that you say it I do remember being on my back the last time this happened, must have rolled that way in the night.

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    3. I have a friend who had a really scary sleep paralysis story. He was lying immobilized and part of him knew what was going on, because it happens to him a lot. But this particular time he saw a hooded figure rise up from the floor at the foot of his bed, and it was sufficiently scary (looked like a jackal with burning eyes) that he managed to tear himself awake and scream like a banshee, which brought his flatmates in ... to witness something sinking into the floor at the foot of his bed. They moved out that night.

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  2. I have sleep paralysis, too, which I didn't even know was a thing until you posted something about it on Assbook a while back. Hadn't had it in a long time then it happened the last time I was in Nebraska. Freaks me the fuck out. Feels like there are demons fighting above me. But compared to your friend's story, I feel ok with that. I can only imagine how scary a panic attack while fully conscious would be, followed up by one of those crazy ass "I'm basically immobile" dreams. Hate those.

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    1. This happened to you in my house and you didn't tell me? (Maybe you did, I forget things.) But this, combined with all of my recent occurences combined with Alice's last story has now sufficiently scared the fuck out of me.

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  3. breathing problems are one of my panic attack standards, as well. Rapid heart rate is another. The only thing that quells the absolute conviction (that damn amygdala is a persuasive bitch, ain't she?) is to actually do something physical that shortens my breath and increases my heart rate: like run. I would run around for as long as I could, or climb up and down the stairs as fast as I could - just to make my logical brain sound louder than my crazy brain. "Oh well duh! You're actually doing some exercise, no wonder" and the symptoms would be gone. As for the nightmare, cherry blossoms are the dream journal sign for subconscious desires to take Hat to Japan with you. tra la la...

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  4. Yikes. I've had one panic attack. I think. I'm still not convinced, but they tested my heart and hooked me up to wires and all kinds of other things, and I was apparently fine. It was right before I moved out of the country, which seemed stupid to me because, in my mind, I was actually getting rid of a lot of the stress I had at the time, so WTH, brain? In any case, it was scary and I felt out of control and thought I was having a heart attack. (I could swallow, but had heartburn which wasn't, apparently, heartburn but turned out not to be my actual heart, either.) Brains need to get with the program and calm the hell down.

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