This weekend was a respite from the not-quite-enough-air issue I've been having. But here it is Sunday night and whaddaya know, I feel like there's a live squirrel running around inside my head. This tells me I was meant for a life of leisure.
I was mentioning my panic and anxiety to Jeff the other day and he said, why, you don't have anything to be stressed about. I don't know if he was joking, but I'm sure my life looks placid compared to his, which is full to the brim with lesson plans as well as the heavy lifting in making our finances work. But, I am a thirsty sponge that soaks up everyone's stress and stirs it into the pot of my own simmering anxiety. It takes very little, just Liz mentioning that her tooth hurts - my heart beats just a bit faster because we don't have insurance this month (long story), and she had oral surgery last month. Because we have no insurance we had to cancel Abby's therapy appointments, and she desperately needs help managing her own anxiety, which manifests as chronic headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, and muscle twitches. Jeff is spending his own money (because that's what teachers do) to supply his classroom, and after the bank account was overdrawn I suggested a credit card just for that purpose. And that reminds me of how much I hate the bitches who made his life so impossible at his last job. If I was ever tempted to embrace the dark arts, it would be in the hopes of blighting their lives.
When I first started talking about this in therapy, I began with "I don't really have that much to be stressed about" and ended up naming so many things: Abby's illness and my worries for her future, Liz's perfectionist streak and her lack of friends, Jeff's former job and the fierce protective anger I felt on his behalf, our desire to live somewhere else and my uncertainty about job prospects if we move. Or the fact that I feel this constant tug of war between my sense of myself and my work.
But now I need to go to sleep. And I hope I really sleep.
So your anxiety is directly correlated to your love for your loved ones. Embrace that shit up, because it makes you a caring and wonderful person. And speaking of embracing, when you get the dark arts mastered, let me know because I have a list.
ReplyDeleteThanks, JP, you've made me feel a bit better. Being anxious makes me feel like, to use my mom's colorful expression, a blind dog in a meat house, running around frantically without being able to see my goal. Once I've mastered spells and potions I'll give you a call. Somewhere in a former post I described a visit to a witch doctor. I'm sure I could do better.
Deletewell naturally I'm with JP on the 'feel all of that fierce' stuff. Sadly, I am also with you on the life of leisure mix up. pfft, I distinctly recall putting our orders in to be identical twin half-Japanese half-Norwegian diplomat brats with, and I quote (pulls up confirmation): "legs that go up to there" end quote. Hope you slept better. Give that brian squirrel a swift kick in the nut.
DeleteBrian squirrel? I have no way of knowing if your brain squirrel is called Brian. That was just another example of Blogger not giving us a do-over option.
DeleteI have a BIL named Brian, who is, thankfully, neither a squirrel nor in my brain. I'm sure if I got legs that go up to there God would just attach them directly to my neck. He/She's a smartass like that.
Deleteif I do have stress? if manifests itself in my dreams where I fight bad guys and zombies all night long..I always kick ass and feel better in the a.m.
ReplyDeleteWe are handling our stress by going to the credit union, several banks and a loan joint to see if we can get either a second mortgage or a HELOC. Then it is off for Steve's MRI and my boob funnery. Yes, this week will be quite jolly. Did you know that some teeth have 4 and some 5 roots? I found out when my $1100 root canal became a $1500 one. Now, I actually have a voodoo doll I got in New Orleans and there is still space for a few pins. How many do you need?
ReplyDeleteJust 5 at the moment. And don't worry, none of you are on the list.
DeleteI need one very large one for a queen bitch. A pin with extra gusto. Sounds like week from hell for you, Rosemary. Don't remind me of root canals. I had one and I admit it went very smoothly so I shouldn't complain, but I still live in fear of having another one. It's a possibility because my teeth are held together by amalgam. I am sometimes kept awake by fears that something is going wrong with my teeth.
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ReplyDeleteOh, this post made me feel anxious. I basically do, now, live a life of more-or-less leisure, and I still do stress quite well. I'm pretty sure it's a gene.
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