Friday, May 22, 2009

Why This Weekend Sucks

I never look forward to Memorial Day weekends. I always feel futile and ill at ease. It may be because my birthday always falls around that weekend. Dear Husband comes from a family that goes all out to celebrate birthdays. I remember one party when I was little, and no doubt presents when I was growing up. But, and it's kind of dreadful to admit because it sounds so emo, but I've never felt it was something to celebrate. I spent the better part of my life thinking that anyone glad to be here had to be nuts, and that my entrance was definitely not something I was happy about. It seemed so much like some sort of glitch, that a divine flunky read the charts wrong and I was really supposed to be back in the undifferentiated whatever that souls come from before they enter bodies.

Even now, when I can usually grab on to some perspective, and am medicated beyond belief, I feel more and more dark-minded as my birthday approaches, and I tense every time someone wishes me a happy birthday, as if I were taking something fraudulently. And I'm angry that I can't shake it, that I can't look on life as an amazing gift instead of my personal version of Kafka's Penal Colony. (Which, BTW, if you haven't read it you should really put in on your list. Criminals have their crimes written on their bodies with needles, and the director of the camp finally puts himself in the machine because the criminals all experience a revelation. And then they die. Yep, I love me some Kafka.)

I'm sitting at my desk at work. The office closed early, but I can't bring myself to leave. When I leave the apparatus of the weekend begins, all the cogs and wheels grind away, and I have to deal with sniping children, laundry, empty time, chaos, cooking, groceries, feeling lost, feeling futile. And I will be one year older, but no wiser.


  1. Thanks for stopping by at my blog.

    Hear you about the whole Memorial Day blowout thingy...

  2. You know, one of the reasons I visit here is because you exhibit a pretty impressive measure of wisdom among the vulnerabilities, dear Alice.
    And I'm glad you are here, and glad you are writing, and sorry that this isn't an experience of joy for you.
    But I'm ambivalent re birthday celebrations myself. I'm grateful for life, know I have tons to celebrate...maybe for me it's simply about time passing too fast, when there's such alot I want to see, and do, and be.
    Ah well. Blessings, anyway...and prayers that the weekend is more tolerable than you fear.

  3. Thank you both. I've started the weekend with a headache and a nasty cough. Sigh. Prayers appreciated.

  4. The only people who don't have birthdays are dead. It's hardly a reason to celebrate.

    Having said that, I hope your weekend doesn't entirely suck.

  5. Thanks, jp, you are my inspiration for non-suckiness.

  6. Birthdays can definitely be odd but I for one (and clearly it's not just me) absolutely think of your birthday as something worth celebrating. So there!

  7. Birthday = cake. But I understand exactly how you feel.