Loser Mom

This weekend my five-year old brought me up short by offering this comment: "You never seem happy with me. You never smile at me." And later she found a photo album with a picture of me: "See, you used to smile. Why don't you smile any more?"

I wasn't aware that I looked that grim. Yes, I keep reminding myself not to spend all my time with my children in a fit of exasperation, forever trying to get them to hurry, or "just do it for pete's sake," or "come on, please."

Elizabeth's comments have made me profoundly sad. My husband says I should study and meditate on the motherly side of God. This is to help me heal from my rather odd relationship with my own mom, who had bipolar or schizophremia or perhaps some unknown third mental illness. God does indeed seem remote, despite the fact that I talk to Him/Her all day long. I don't feel like God offers much protection, so what's the point? Our earthly mom may not be able to protect us from everything, but she does her best to keep us from running out in the street and away from lunatics and perverts. God, on the other hand, lets us go crash with the comforting knowledge that somehow he's there with us, somehow, intangibly, but not doing much to intercede, not doing anything useful, like stopping the head wound or striking down the molester.Basically, despite the fact that God is supposed to love us more than our human parents, on a day-to-day basis he doesn't seem to do half that our human parents accomplished. Who cares about the creation of the world when you want a hug?