I feel like if I don’t write something soon, everyone will forget I’m here. Including me. Life seems full of holes at the moment, a bit ragged, and rather dull. Slumberous times, but not refreshing. I do things I don’t enjoy. I do things I usually enjoy but don’t enjoy now. I think enjoyment might require more energy than I have at the moment. It’s very difficult to let discomfort simply be, when it feels like a garrote wrapped around my neck. Perhaps I should stop trying to reassure myself. Why do I try to reassure myself? I’m very unconvincing. I live my life trying to pretend that I am not deeply afraid of: being alone, losing the people I love, being friendless, entering depression and never exiting, passing my mental problems along to my children, having no money, having no faith, living with Firecracker’s disease, looking for meaning and finding nothing, trying to create meaning and being stymied. Being me, just me, as in this is all there is – me anxious, floundering. There is no better me, no me with improved synapses and joie de vivre, no me who is more productive and less defective.
When I was younger, I used to think about being a mistake, that I was shoved into this world with some sort of ontological defect that prevented me from holding the world loosely rather than facing it stricken, as if it were coming after me with claws bared. More people than I realized feel this way, which isn’t much comfort, really. We are always busy leaping out of the way of the industrious, the ambitious, and the determined who think us weak and tiresome.
Some days my thoughts are like the sound of footsteps receding down an empty hallway.
I'm so sorry. Depression is overwhelming. The weather probably doesn't help any either. I'm glad you wrote. Keep on writing. Keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteDont worry we wont forget you are here. Sorry to hear your latest news.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your best wishes Alice, it really is amazing how many people seem to care though I'm sure you know this for yourself. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks, guys. I'm feeling better, I think.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling better, and I'm glad you've shared these thoughts/fears.
Your post made me sad, reminding me of past periods of depression. Does poetry help? It did me, at one time. Not cheery stuff, but poems by others who felt similarly. I remember reading Hopkins "No worse, there is none..." and thinking if he could feel this and survive, so can I.
ReplyDeleteHope so!
ReplyDeleteJust out for a midnight walk around the nets words and popper by for tea and cake. I noticed however that you dont seem to have either. (tips hat)
ReplyDeleteI saw your comments over at Viv66 in WordPress, where I also keep a blog. Viv is my online friend and her page is awesome and her poetry is divine. I thought I would come here and read your blog and am glad I did so. Your writing, your thoughts, your creative expression is profound and enriching. I shall stop by again.
ReplyDeleteHi Poet Traveler, thanks for stopping by and leaving such nice remarks. I will look up your blog.
ReplyDeleteSilver Season: yes, poetry and fiction help. they sort of calm me.
Sinful Theology: Nice of you to pop by. Sorry not to have refreshments. Maybe next time.
DC: good to see you.
My, you are a tortured soul sometimes. Personally, I think we're all pretty pissed off that we had to be born in the first place. :)
ReplyDeleteDepression will pass...just give it time...whenever I see you on Facebook or here, I send positive vibes your way... :)
Miss H: Yep,after lots of practice, I have nailed tortured. :) Thanks for the good vibes.
ReplyDelete