Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Bored

I am bored, so very bored. My mind is flopping about like a fish on deck of a ship. The best I can look forward to is a grill.

When I’m bored, the future seems as endless as a bad dream, moment by moment laboriously lifted and dropped. I don’t dare look ahead, because there are yards and yards of moments strung end to end. I’m looking out at the parking lot. The light is lovely, winking off the cars. The chill of autumn is slowly wiggling in. But I can’t work up any enthusiasm for anything. Why do people drive here each day and park their cars and get out and go to work and actually feel alive? And everything is God here. God god god. We need more churches to let more people know about God We all have Bibles at our desks. I guarantee you I am the only one here who doubts so ferociously.

I am bored with the whole faith issue. I’m tired of thinking about it. I dread devotions here. I feel awkward. I feel false. I feel like contradicting everything. I feel like being late so I miss them. I feel like not being nice. I feel like sneering when someone says “God has it under control.” These people have faith and I’m the viper in their midst.

I am supposed to appreciate the here and no and not always wish to escape, but this nowness is so dull and I am so restless and cantankerous.

4 comments:

  1. Oh... they doubt. Just probably not as eloquently as you.

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  2. A lot of people lately have said to me, "When God closes one door, God opens another."

    I don't think God is the one doing the closing.

    And in my experience, God ain't the one opening the door either.

    Maybe, though, God tries to show us where the door is?

    And, devotions void of inquiry, wonder, and mystery, sound pretty bland to me. I'd be bored too....

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  3. I think the god issue is much bigger than the bible or the church or the parking lot. Why struggle to have faith or accept that god has it under control? That assumes a god that controls.

    For me, what you call god and I am reluctant to name at all is the power behind the universe and our life within it. It is what we can never understand but must respect. Books cannot contain it, although they may try.

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  4. Wow, have I ever been there! I think in most cases 'Christianese' is more likely to help the speaker feel better about themselves than it will help the poor sod nodding politely on the receiving end. There has been a lot of time in my life where all I've had to cling to was 'I know You're there and I know what Your word says (that You love me, that You will never leave me, that You work all things for good according to Your purpose) but I've got nothing left, nor do I understand how to reconcile life (& pain) with Your truth, so please bring me through this.
    And He does.
    I haven't been on here (blogs) in about 2 years...words fail real meaning, I know, but I'm sorry to hear you've battled breast cancer.
    And although it sounds like another platitude, I have a journal to remind me that prayer does work and since I have nothing else to offer you, I will pray. <3

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